Bonding with baby

My very best friend recently had her first baby, a very lovely little boy who is just four months younger than Billy. She lives about a four hour drive from me and so I saw him for the first time the other week aged four weeks old. And even though it has only been a few months since I was in that position myself, I was struck by how incredibly tiny and fragile a four week old baby is!

And it got me to thinking, wow, what else have I forgotten already in just these last short few months?

A lot, actually. Or if not forgotten, have pushed to the back of my mind. Having a baby is meant to be a rapturous, wonderful occasion. While it’s hard to admit now, feeling so incredibly in love and enamored with my little boy, it just wasn’t quite like that for me.

The first sense I really had of how different I felt was when the hospital sent us home with a DVD of women speaking about their experiences with their new babies. And while it warned having a baby would be tough, what I remember most clearly was the interviews with women who all spoke about having these amazing highs after having their babies and how it was a thud to come back down to earth. While these women were experiencing soaring highs, I felt more like I’d started somewhere towards the bottom of the mountain and faced a massive climb up. I felt, well – ripped off. Where was my motherhood high?

It probably didn’t help that I had a fairly tough labour ending in an emergency caesarian and an extra whack of drugs. When the initial anesthetic didn’t kick in properly, the anesthetist requested of the nurse a bunch of other drugs and I recall at one point asking drowsily “Isn’t that what Michael Jackson used to take?” (it wasn’t).

While I felt a sort of happiness after William was born, it felt rather more like a drug induced wooziness. There was a sense of affection, a sense of protectiveness, but not really the head over heels in love sensation other women talk about. Once home we were beset with a bunch of feeding problems that persisted despite home visits from midwives and lactation consultants. And not long after arriving home, the crying began (no not mine, surprisingly, Billys). Not typical run of the mill crying, but hours and hours on end. To be honest, I can’t bear to think about it even now!

When my husband said he might have to go to Perth for a week when Billy was six weeks old, my mum, a former midwife, mother of five children and lover of babies, suggested I fly home for a week. I knew what she was thinking – “I’ll sort this baby out”. And in my heart I hoped she would. If anything, however, William was worse that week and I left with my mother saying “I’ve never seen anything like it!”.

What I found fascinating though, were the women who came out of the woodwork with their own stories once I started talking about our problems. Two of my mother’s friends visited me while I was staying with my parents and provided tales of their own. Between them they have seven children and for each of them it was with only one child they had experienced similar sleeplessness. When I spoke of my hope for the three month mark, that things would change then, they cautiously responded, “Well… for us it took about a year…”

And you know what? It wasn’t depressing at all. It was rallying. If my mum couldn’t “fix” him, then it wasn’t our parenting skills. It was just little Billy. And if other women had similar problems, he wasn’t the only baby who had a hard time adjusting to the world – there were plenty of other babies like him.

One more thing made me feel a little better. It was in a book by neonatologist Dr Howard Chiltern called Baby on Board. It said: “It can take time to bond with your baby.” So if you read this and you’ve experienced the ripped off feeling too – don’t worry. Its okay to feel that way. When the loving feelings come, they come in spades.

A week or so after I arrived back home, one of my mother’s friends sent me a card in the mail. It said simply “Things will improve.” And so they did –spectacularly. Consider me one head over heels in love mum.

Little Susie Homemaker

So why the nom de plume Suddenly Susie? Well I’ve never been one of those women who cooked and cleaned for her man while he plays with power drills out in the shed. Hell, we even washed our clothes separately right up until Billy was born. While we did take on some gender stereotyped roles – while cooking is shared I’ve typically done most of it – ever since starting maternity leave I’ve suddenly felt myself thrust into a more traditional female role - a la Susie Homemaker.

Nine months of pregnancy should be enough to let you adjust to the idea of becoming mum. But in reality, most of the nine months is spent trying to prepare for labour (impossible!) and living in a bit of a daydream about the idea of parenthood. It can come as a bit of a shock to wake up and find ourselves receiving praise for our chicken fajitas rather than the quality of our mental input into our work, particularly for those of us who (like me) have never really had Domestic Goddess ambitions.

It’s a strange sensation to move from equal jobs and equal domestic responsibilities to me being at home and taking on more household chores while my partner has been promoted and has become the breadwinner. I have the time to cook, to wash, to shop, to go to the bank and the post office. And to be honest, at the moment, while Billy is still stationary and I’m not feeling terribly stressed, I don’t mind doing these things.

But at the moment, it feels like I’m still “playing” at house. It’s all so new it’s almost fun to have a different role from the daily grind of work. The killer crunch will come when its boring, mundane and I’m squishing work in between runs to day care, loads of washing, cooking, shopping and feeding baby. I’ve seen enough women in this situation to know how tough it gets.

So Suddenly Suzie is me, trying to cope with a life of domesticity (never my strong point) as (temporarily) stay at home mum.

NB If I’m honest, I still don’t really do all the chores. My partner vacuums (not just sometimes but always). He often does the laundry on the weekend. And he cooks a mean roast chicken.

Introducing Suddenly Susie...

“I have come to a decision”, I announce triumphantly to my husband who pretending he is immersed in playing with our five month old son rather than watching Sunday afternoon football. I refrain from whinging about the television being on long enough to make my new declaration. “I have entered a new phase of my life. It is called “Making the Most of Maternity Leave”.

“Okay… well good, you should,” he responds. “Can you move a little to the left, you’re blocking the television.”

I’ve been in the bath – the place where all good thoughts come to me - long enough to become both pruny and inspired. Billy is five months old and I am in what I refer to as the Honeymood Period. He is truly an absolute delight. He smiles, giggles, has favourite toys he plays with (or at least puts in his mouth – let’s not get too carried away) and has an emerging little personality. Best of all, he’s easy to put to bed at night and while he’s not even close to sleeping through (I’m convinced this is a myth propagated to encourage mother’s to carry on in hope) he wakes, feeds and sleeps straight away, two or three times a night. For some of you, this may not exactly be revolutionary. For us, it’s a massive achievement.

So he’s reasonably settled. But here’s the other winner - he’s unable to get around by himself just yet and so I haven’t had to crawler-proof the house just yet. I can leave him on his playmat or in his bouncer while I make a cup of coffee without worrying he’ll be climbing on the dog bed or devouring crumbs crusted on the kitchen floor. While I’m excited about that next stage, don’t get me wrong, I can’t help but think that this is pretty well as easy as it’s going to get.

Hence… Making the Most of Maternity Leave Mark One.

Until about a month ago I will admit, I had been doing little more than just coping. But now, suddenly counting down the months til I return to work, I am so thankful for all the time I have to do different things with my son. Its not free time, of course, there’s no going to the hairdresser, the gym, the shops for endless hours (just one or two…) with baby in tow but its time nonetheless.

I’m also revelling in the new found mental space. Having emerged from the fog of tiredness from those first few months, I find its liberating not having my brain cluttered with the trivia of work. Its lovely not to have to mentally remind myself of my professional to do list all the time. I feel free to think about the world, my place in it and the way in which we all live today, particularly women as mothers.

So, Making the Most of Maternity Leave step one? Start a blog. Maybe even start some discussions. About motherhood, womanhood and the art of living.